Another Airport

I'm sitting on the floor in the Detroit airport, drinking a strawberry milkshake. Not a normal choice for me - but the dark purplish-red berry bits suck into the pink tundra called to me from the little Dreyer's parlor as I exited the plane... and the result was not disappointing. I can't remember strawberry ice cream tasting so good! For that matter... I'm not sure I remember tasting strawberry ice cream at all...
Peanut had a grand time opening her presents last night, and is headed out to see Harry Potter for the 3rd time at the IMAX this evening... and is making plans for us to bake this weekend. (She had a great time making sugar cookies the other day, as now she has decided to become a "chef!")And..... I'm picking up my grandmother from Orlando - where I arrive at midnight, and turn around tomorrow afternoon and bring her home.

Channeling Narcisse (and other self-centered crap))

Interesting how we make assumptions about ourselves and others, based on our perspective of the world. It is difficult, sometimes (at least in my experience) to remember that most people do not see the world as we do.
I think of myself as a very aggressive, independent, rational, honest, scatterbrained, yet intelligent woman. Most people would (and have) agreed with this sentiment (though many might stress that "cold" should be added into the mix.)
But how accurate is this? Am I really so very aggressive?
Perhaps for our culture - or in certain settings, but how much of that aggressive behavior is simply honesty? And how much of my "aggressiveness" would even be noticed were I male instead of female? I dare say the very idea of "aggressiveness" or "cold B***" or even "independent" come from our histiocultural (yes, I made it up, but I am in to much of a rush to get these thoughts out of my head so I can concentrate on other things to worry about semantics.. you get the point, right? Good enough.) stereotypes about what a woman should be like! ACT like.. etc.
What else feeds into that? Age, attractiveness, education... but how cold am I really?
How aggressive? Okay.. I admit I am pretty intense - but no more so than my male peers - and frequently less. And how is it that I can watch two men get in an argument over a business conflict and neither one be judged about his character - but if you are a woman and you address an issue you disagree with, you are a troublemaker - and quickly earn a reputation for being "argumentative.." (no matter if you are usually RIGHT, by the way.. lol)
And independent? Am I?
Yes... I mean, I can and do provide for myself and others - and "need" little in the way of a caretaker - but certainly I like being warm at night, and enjoy my friends, and chat (only a bit, though) at work..
But a male who did the same wouldn’t be seen as "independent," would he??This isn’t really a feminist argument, by the way.... its more in reference to another thought I was having, and I thought Id explain the context by way of this discussion.
You see, I think I may have been pigeonholing someone as well... At first, he came across as intelligent, arrogant and effeminate (which would have been "okay" or "PC" or something had he been gay - but as he isn’t, he was labeled at a having some "jerk"ish qualities/insecurities instead.) But come to find out, he isn’t any of those things... and is actually (well... maybe still a bit arrogant, but that’s forgivable.. lol) a very sensitive person - but NOT effeminate (but you can see where the two could get confused, right?)
Accepting this, as I have, I made some further assumptions that I now realize may have been incorrect and short-sighted...
We laughed about how data-oriented I am, and he the opposite, a very empathetic person - so much so, actually, that it makes him somewhat "vulnerable." I put us (and perhaps he did to, I'm not quite certain) at polar ends of the earth, and then declared that, being so different, we ought to be quite positive influences on each other... My ASSUMPTIONS being that somehow his sensitive nature and deeper understanding/perspective and vibes from emotional cues could somehow offer me a reference point for softening up a bit, myself. Having overcome the trust issues (which is, a assume, a typical problem for those of differing character) and establishing a repartee, I found myself a bit confused because it seemed like I was still having trouble communicating... information... about.. about things! about thoughts, feelings, preferences (no, we arent on the phone all night chatting away, I just mean in everyday conversations..) ect... and there has been some frustration on my behalf as to why...And I think it just hit me, which is why i wasted 20 minutes writing it all down. I'm still assuming - I am assuming that if someone is so different from me than they must be DIFFERENT from me, and I expect depth and sensitivity and sweetness and gushy feeling-stuff and all this sort of thing (no, again, not about ME, just about life - about books and music and shrimp.. lol)
So when he takes an intellectual perspective on things, I think I am getting crossed signals - but I'm NOT!
I can cry.. I have had crying spells in my life... but I don’t do it often. Imagine if someone didn’t cry at all, and then befriended me, getting more used to vulnerability and neediness and crying, and then I got over it (situational depression or something) and they were suddenly confused because they had done all this work on trying to "prepare" and better themselves for my friendship, and suddenly I am not doing any of those things... LOL
Gee.. I make it sound like friendships are selfish things, and that we choose them because of what we can learn and experience, don't I? Oh wait, I actually believe that.. which probably sounds awful, too... but it really isn’t.. but now I don’t have the will to go into another long explanation.. Lets just say it is the same argument for why we are motivated, but not "required" to do good works...
Or why we THINK men like to have sex, or... aww.. forget it for now.

Hmm.. this isn’t coming across as I intend, either...

I am still working on Assets in my head, and watching the clock, as I have a meeting in an hour... (darn UK and their early morning meetings!) and if you are still reading this, you must be very, very bored.
In fact, I am very, very bored and don’t have enough time to do justice to this thought..
I will leave it up for a while it gets worked on in my subconscious and try and come back and clean it up (and shorten it, for heavens sake!) before I go this afternoon, but if I am still stuck, it will get removed - like so many others... LOL

on the evening

Mikimoto pearls and champagne filled Waterford
My assumptions proved unfounded
Ethical and political discourse take the conversational lead
What pleasure to find intellectual stimulation
as easily accompanied by Chandon and Brie as by the scent of coffee beans.

Yet, my mind fills momentary lulls
with unsaid words from earlier sentances, ever so carefully constructed.
with the despise of time, designed to speed forward in certain company.....and
damnit.
There I am stuck.
I wish I could finish my thoughts..
a task some seem to accomplish so easily...
Anyway, was a lovely evening,
both in socializing and within my inner thoughts.

bit off

I am still a bit "Off," not used to being without Peanut during the holidays.
I believe this is the first time I've actually let PJ have her during, rather than just before or after, a holiday.
I selfishly pray that he and Ann-Marie start having children...
I suppose I envision their feeling as though were having a "family" Christmas whether peanut was there or not. That's silly of course, I know - and am pleased by - the fact that PJ demonstrates an almost equal attachment to her as I do. I would not have 'chosen' him to be her father had he not demonstrated those very characteristics (the situation was not as deterministic as that statement makes it appear. I had been diagnosed with cancer, feared having my ability to have children removed, AND married him -after discussing this - before trying to have Peanut - as has been covered in previous blogs from years past.)
I am sure the magnanimous character of our relationship, especially considering acrimony normal associated with ex-spousalship (is that a word?) stems at least in part from out shared adoration of the paragon that is 'Peanut.'
Still, especially with grandmother in a precarious state.. well, perhaps not - though I suppose the guilt associated with leaving her in Flordia, even in Uncle Rusty's capable hands, contributes to hyperbolic thinking (on my behalf) as to the capriousness of her health.. lol...
I suppose her tendency to worry is hereditary after all.....

Anyway, to finish my primary (as in initial, rather than main) point, I am lamenting my daughter's absence, despite an otherwise lovely Christmas day.
Made some decisions and booking arrangements for future holidays:Thanksgiving 2006 will be with my parents. Come here, or Florida (if I take up Dave's offer and move myself to sunny clearwater... snce I do so hate the winters here!) or we shall come there - either way - you can't say I am totally impetuous - I am planning this an entire 11 months in advance! Additionally, next Christmas vacation will involve a ski trip.
BOTH shall involve Peanut - even if it means trading her halfway through the day!
Otherwise, it has been lovely and relaxing.. and we are planning, with Scott (and possibly Melanie?) exactly what trouble we shall get into after the symphony on New Years Eve.
I mean, it is New Years Eve, after all... I simply must get into trouble!
I havent had enough opportunities to get into good old-fashioned trouble since I was...
oh... mid 20's, I guess.
Its time I caused some. :)

Heart Attack

Have had quite the week!

Arrived at the resort on Sunday. Lovely.
Disney's Epcot Center on Monday. Great, but colder than expected, even for December.
Went to Disney Magic Kingdom Park for part of the day on Tuesday, but didn't take grandmother, as she was tired from Epcot the day before (despite the fact we wheeled her around in a wheelchair.)

Wednesday morning, headed to breakfast before going to Disney-MGM Studios.
Grandmother is insisting she is rested and ready to go.... but..
well.....
I'm sensing "on the edge" emotions.
She is emphatic that nothing happened the day before to upset her (she spent time with Uncle Rusty and his family while we were at the park - which was a happy time, as it should be - but there was certainly something amiss....)
After reassuring me again nothing is wrong, I begin asking her is she is certain she can take in another park day. She says yes, yet my insides are giving me an emphatic "NO!.."
Taking the clue, I cancel breakfast orders, apologize to the waiter, and ask for the nearest walk-in clinic (it is Florida, after all... and thankful they seem to cater to the heath needs of the elderly) and he directs us a few miles down the road.
We take off... the clinic immediately performs an EKG, and recommend transfer to a hospital 10 miles away. Since grandmother can walk, and still claims she is "okay" (though now stating that she is tired) they tell me that I can drive her rather than use an emergency vehicle (which is good, as the idea of this makes her more stressed.)
We get her to the 1st hosiptal, they do another EKG and some blood tests, inform us that she has been having a heart attack for at least 24 hours, and that her heart is very unstable and could go to "severe at any moment" (an absolute replay of her last heart attack, BTW) and they medi-vac her to a cardiac center 30 miles from there. This all takes place in 20 minutes from arrival to prep for the helio..
The 2nd hospital performs surgery upon arrival, giving her a stint on the right side of her artery (her last one resulted in a stint on the left.)
She now looks better than she has throughout the entire past year.
And...
that's it for the vacation attempts.

Peanut and I come down with colds.
I spend most of the time either visiting or worrying about grandmother - OR sleeping off being sick. She cant travel yet.
I will have to travel back to Michigan as booked for work, and return when she can travel.

I have many things to say about the Florida health system. ALL of them are positive.

In other news..Nothing I feel like sharing.
Still trying to work out my emotions.. (damn things..)and 3:30am is no time to do that.