Yesterday

Tomorrow will be better

Recovery, Recovering, Becoming Whole

Recovering is a process or a step, Recovery is a path, yes? Recovery is healing from some trama or interuption of a goal... Getting the football past the end zone - recovering the ball from the other team is a step, living life is a goal - drug addiction is an interuption.., from which one needs to recover, ect.
Becoming whole... understand yourself and your own motivations - knowing when something is within your control and when it isnt... there are many processes and paths and contributions to any goal - like a project plan with all its interdependant areas...
So many I have dealt with and understand and have recovered (or am recovering) from.. Being ADHD is an obstacle.. but not something to recover from - it was something to accept and comprimise with to the best of my ability. Feeling parental rejection in my childhood.. this was something to recover from - which I mostly have.. though the recovering in other affected areas sometimes goes on...

I have always felt deeply upset at rejecting others - (unless they were inherently obnoxious or cruel, in which case I supposed I judged them as being the aggressor and therefore not in need of my empathy.) somehow projecting onto them my own feelings of inaqaquacy - or not WANTING to be the bad guy who "made" them feel that way. I never let it be "okay" to really, geneuinely just not want to exert the effort to make a relationship work with someone - be it because it was just to hard, or because I didnt particularly like them... It had to be their fault.. I had to make it their fault.
So now, when faced with a relationship where I deeply love someone, but they, or I, or perhaps both think that it may just be too hard - it is hard not to internalize that it might be my fault.. I'm not lovable enough, or worse - my disatisfaction or unwillingness to wait might be betrayal.. my not waiting to hear whether I will be rejected or not..

My obstacle, at the moment, to becoming whole is accepting that its okay not to want to give it everything sometimes.. and its okay for them not to want to give everything, too. Its okay to not wait ... to set up your limitations and expectations and say "I am willing to give X, but I expect Y and Z." If they don't want that, or are not willing or ready - it isnt a betrayal to let go... it doesnt mean that life is over, even when it feels like it. Nobody is the bad guy... nobody is inadaquate.. but knowing it and feeling it is two different things...

I am happy in most of my life now: my job, my activities, my pay, my neighborhood, my environment, my parental relationship with my kid... my "love life" is the only area where I have any regrets... and so, of course , saying "I just don't want to wait to figure out whether you are willing to make the effort to make this work," seems to be almost the opposite of what I should do.. I have someone in my life whom I love... that I am willing to expend the effort to make a relationship work with... but sitting around and waiting to find out if they want to do the same.. when the answer is no - at least, right now, doesnt seem fair to anybody.

And Peanut pipes up, just now, what she thinks is the answer, and I think she is probably right... but we can never tell the future, or what will happen down the road. I know what I want and what I have to give - and where I need patience and understanding... no matter where I go moving forward, knowing these things about myself, and being honest about them, SHOULD help make communication easier.. and perhaps that has been the largest setback thus far...