Thoughts
I've been changing so much in the past few months. Not good change, neccessarily. I don't think I'm a better person now than before or anything like that. In fact, maybe the opposite... or something like it.
I've always heard that depression is like a distorted mirror, but my experience now is differnt than that. Its more like the distortions were how I saw myself, and how I saw the world. Now that I see things - including myself - more clearly, its depressing. I don't think admitting this makes anything better, of course. I have no excuses and no one to blame but my own insecurities.
Knowing this, however, does make a difference. I can't pretend to be all the things I see myself as/desire to be. The relationships that I want to be a part of I cant give myself to in a healthy way right now. The immense pain that accompanies losing them only increases the depression... but pretending to be capable when I'm really not only makes it confusing and dishonest and painful for them and for me. It hurts to let go. It hurts to say "I want to, but I cant be fair... here is what I CAN give, and it probably wont be enough." And when it isnt enough, can I blame them?
I dont want to lose. If I could fix it all myself right now and be everything I feel I can and should be, I would. But if I must lose, I will lose honestly - and not because I tried to be something I cant right now.
I'm sorry I ever did things differently. Even if the picture is ugly, I'd rather see the real thing.
I've always heard that depression is like a distorted mirror, but my experience now is differnt than that. Its more like the distortions were how I saw myself, and how I saw the world. Now that I see things - including myself - more clearly, its depressing. I don't think admitting this makes anything better, of course. I have no excuses and no one to blame but my own insecurities.
Knowing this, however, does make a difference. I can't pretend to be all the things I see myself as/desire to be. The relationships that I want to be a part of I cant give myself to in a healthy way right now. The immense pain that accompanies losing them only increases the depression... but pretending to be capable when I'm really not only makes it confusing and dishonest and painful for them and for me. It hurts to let go. It hurts to say "I want to, but I cant be fair... here is what I CAN give, and it probably wont be enough." And when it isnt enough, can I blame them?
I dont want to lose. If I could fix it all myself right now and be everything I feel I can and should be, I would. But if I must lose, I will lose honestly - and not because I tried to be something I cant right now.
I'm sorry I ever did things differently. Even if the picture is ugly, I'd rather see the real thing.
posted by Psyche at 10:25 PM
2 Comments:
You gotta do what you gotta do for *you*. Reality isn't really that ugly -- we all want the same things actually. The only difference between most people is what we do to get there. Be gentle with yourself.
*hugs*
Don't ever think that you can be forgotten. Don't ever think that life has to be "fair" for you to allow yourself to be accepted by someone. You're wonderful exactly the way you are - no matter how you are.
Royce
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