open letter

I wrote this at work today... but was implored by the asset manager and one of my techs not to send it. They are probably right.. I am just pissing people off by pointing out serious failures in the system... but I have to get it off my chest..... I'm not sure how much more isolation and dissapointment my idealism can take....

Dear "Work"

I implore us yet again to reconsider our current IT service mentality and, by way of that mindset, the global “direction” (if you consider ever-enlarging circles to be a direction) mandated by that mindset.
We have directed all IT sections (and the Business, actually) to think GLOBALLY instead of locally, and we haven’t even given them a common global framework from which to begin. Repeated incidents & struggles triggered by uncertainty and misinformation reveal the primary cause to be a lack of clarity within management regarding roles and responsibilities, and the interdependence of policies and requirements.
Even defining these “SLAs” in the current manner (end to end service availability agreements for systems that we don’t even have the tools, measurements or resources to track?) is an absurdity if we keep saying “this doesn’t apply to us” for all the local site issues.
The only thing that “doesn’t apply to us” at the moment seems to be a “structured, logical approach to delivering IT services to the global business.”
We want [PROGRAM ACRONYM] to succeed, yet thus far – despite all the failures and rework and incidents and emergencies hitting us right and left - we can’t seem to get our minds around the idea that regional (or Operations/Service Desk/ Applications or WHATEVER delineations you want to segment IT into….) are interdependent segments of this global model.
There are no sovereign policy owners!
*No* autonomy should exist between the policies defining the infrastructure, the procedures defined by Operations to maintain the infrastructure, change control and auditing instructions to ensure we have an accurate picture of that infrastructure, and the Business’s IT service requirements, supported by that infrastructure..
I keep hearing the directors agree that this is “very important, but we have too many other things that take priority, and we can still move forward…”
Yes, I agree we are still “moving forward” – but at a THIRD of the pace and TWICE (more, in the end) the budget set aside due to rework and poor planning, yet we remain “too busy to get organized.” Ugh. We have some serious issues that have NOT been addressed... we have asset issues, tracking issues, licensing issues that have NOT been addressed... and yet.... and yet you cover your ears and say *I'm not listening!!* while project after project stretch and groan and finally crumble to bits.
The intent of this letter is not preaching (I did give up the ordination, honestly…).I just can’t fathom why isn’t this isn’t a “significant enough” concern to appropriately address it.
We have adopted a “framework” to meet the needs of the company… yet we have yet to appropriately discern roles and responsibilities within that framework before implementing it.I realize we are all overburdened and running off in a million directions, many of them headlong into each other.
We MUST take the time to get ourselves organized and define our IT roles and responsibilities. 5 days seems a large commintment, but the weeks, nay, MONTHS of rework is only the tip of the iceberg as we delve further into this deployment project.

Help me help you, damnit!

Temperature Rising....

Infrequently in life do desirable opportunities present themselves to you with no further obligation on your part but to accept.

Birth, for example.
The quick death (which may or may not be desirable, depending on your perception shortly before the occurrence.)
Finding (or being given) a large sum of money with no strings attached….
Heaven, or its pluralist equivalent ( assuming you believe (as I do) that God never “dis-invites” anyone ….my conclusion being that its well nigh possible we dis-invite ourselves)…
The act of Sex, shared by consenting adults whose mutual relationship and perception of the act negates fears of procreation, disease, misunderstanding or issues of control (i.e. because the present possibility of which is not a fear [couples looking to conceive] or due to the lack of possibility [seniors, gay couples, etc.])

All of these, IMHO, plausibly fall into this category of desirable opportunities.Sorry.. I was going somewhere with this...But I suppose I'm not as ready to write it all down as I had initially believed. Instead I have only shared this jumble of half-bent ideas ….

Thoughts, percolating for years, finally reaching slow boil ......releasing this enticing aroma with each tiny bubble rising to the top. And so, the temperature rises.

~Psyche

Winds and Pitches

Boredom: (bôr d m, b r -)
1.) NOUN: The condition of being bored; enn
2.) The most awful, devestating, destructive force in my own personal universe.

I suppose I prefer chaos to stagnation in my environment.... because then there is something to fix, to put to rights... Better, though, is when boredom cannot enter because everything is too nteresting..
Interesting-'ness' is not the antidote for boredom it would seem to be, however.
Lack of access is a big killer - what is my mind to do in the meantime?

Bought a book yesterday... 1/3 of the what through it already... very interesting . ('Stuart: A Life Backwards")However, if I could only read a paragraph a week? Lose that hold considerably. Hence: I spend my life watching little to no televison. Little information, in small segments offered weekly, constantly interupted by commercials for products I do not need and am not interested in.
Thank the Lord (and Jason) for box sets.

Finally got work all figured out. (OK, I must be dreaming here)
I know how to solve the problems presented to me... the only challenges now are getting from here to there. Those barriers have more to do with poor planning, resource allocation and politics than in logical reasoning or true conflict of project requirements.Its all written down, now. A recipe for success - and if they don't want to follow it, that's fine - here's what it will take to fix - and any deviation will take 'X' changes (I have actually created a formula at this point) to remedy and you can make this work - its just a matter of extending time, or resources, or direction to fulfillment. End of story.
(To boss,) "Here is the formula for cold fusion. Now, anyone can do it."
Biding my time until its actually completed isn't providing enough of a challenge, because its just navigating the politics... and that's just fodder for stress and making people feel stupid. That isn't my goal.It just struck me.. "
(Occurs to me that instead of "Winds and Pitches" I should have tagged this post "Winges & Bitches...." then I'd be describing myself instead of boredom. Lol)
Finally grown to bored.. demonstrated by the fact that I SUCCESSFULLY avoided work all weekend, despite the fact I have nothing else pressing to do. I just "didn't" pen the laptop much.

Lovelife: Growing bored due to access issues, I suspect. He's busy and I've such a fickle mind. Still savable at this point, but the brain can be so high-maintenance!

Family: Not bored, missing Peanut. GOOD LORD I miss Peanut. Miss Mom. Miss Dad.. Miss Gigi.

Was offered a job on the plane on the way here. (isn't that funny... I'm no good at 'networking' when it involves rank.. but so many outside conversations lead to opportunities to gave advice - technical or operation, that I frequently am the subjects of attempts to co-opt my expertise. I must say, it pleases me, even when I have no intention of following it up. I think I get it from my dad, who is always getting hunted by said head-hunters. Perhaps we should open up a business... Hmm.. Pop - what do you think?)
Said offer was for IT technical expertise in a company that teaches water drilling to foreign countries in need. The offer was made by: The president, who I just happened to get sat next to in business class. (No, work does not pay for business class: but between my gold-card - from flying BA so much - and fluttering my eyelids, I get bumped up from steerage plus on about 1/2 the longhaul flights...)It sounded fun. A lot of it is teaching, organizing, a lot of travel - and daughter welcome.Maybe I could get my hands dirty..
Does this fit in with school? PhD plans? Not exactly.. but I seem to have found it difficult to get right through one program without other distractions anyway. After all - plunked right into the middle of my undergrad was bootcamp.. and then *plunk* right in the middle of Grad school I was recalled to war.Both times were serendipitous... came right as I was getting "Boredom burn-out." My returns were equally well-timed... and accompanied a renewed love and sense of vigor.

Hmm.. seems I've managed a long post that says little... and only a 1/2 hour to ready for work. Must hop in shower and then, obviously, take some Adderall before I babble away the day chasing uncontrolled synaptic connections...

Breathe Deep...

.. if only to fill our being with new experiences and shared ideas.
When we take in shallow breath, we can only live on the surface... struggling to piece the days together bit by bit, making sure there are no cracks for the emptiness to seep through, exposing us to others: and even worse, to ourselves.
We did it once, didn't we?
When we still believed in ideas, in others, in the impact and difference we could have in the world...
We took deep breaths and asked for what we wanted: for help, for faith, for support, love, success.
Do you still ask? Still take risks? Still believe in yourself? In others?

Its hard... for if others live in steady, shallow breaths - they can not share themselves, cannot reach out, cannot support - perhaps not even love. All our strength is used up holding together the pieces..
It is scary to let go of this.. to let the pieces come undone and know that in doing so we will feel the pain of the empty... bleeding through the cracks...And even more, the humiliation of knowing others can see it, also.
To maintain idealism is to forever risk that reaching out will result in pain, because so few can respond... there are multiple failures at every chance to risk, and few successes...But is it worth it?Let go. Breathe deeply. Risk, and find out.This is the advice I am offering to myself.Should you find it desirable, you are welcome to share it.Such adventures are always more pleasing with company.

Choices, Experience & Life

We have just this one life.
It drives me crazy that ther are so many experiences are to be had.
Every choice means giving up hundreds of others…
Whatever we choose to do, we should do it well, because to make that choice means sacrificing so many other possibilities. Additionally, we must chose more carefully.. again, due to the sacrifice involved.

As a society, it is my opinion that we usually don’t weigh these choices. We chose our relationships, our lovers, careers, words… we chose these things almost subconsciously, with no consideration as to the level of effort that must be expended to maintain them – at least, to maintain them to the level of positive benefit. What do I mean? What level of effort and communication is required to keep the positive experiences in a relationship just that – positive. You must communicate, share, respect – and once any of those things are not valued – are taken for granted or ignored for even a short amount of time – and suddenly they become something we resent. A burden, rather than a benefit. And then where do end up? Spending those valuable moments of our time .. those never-recoverable moments feeling empty, resentful, frustrated… lonesome. Sometimes we recover the positive aspects of the relationship with significant work, and sometimes we just “hold it together.” But even then – with what goal – what choices in mind?

Choosing a relationship that begins to become a struggle and requires work (i.e. communication, even 3rd party assistance) CAN be the best thing for our own growth – as well as that of the relationship itself. Counseling can be the best thing that ever happened to some people – and it helps us to work out our own character flaws, as long as we come to it with honesty and a willingness to grow. I have noticed, however, those couples that sort of “fell” together are rarely willing to go to counseling when strife is introduced, and if they do – its often to prove themselves right (or their partner wrong) as opposed to growing. Entering into a relationship with recognition of its value by both parties, makes surviving discord – especially from a place of trust - more likely, because the partners know they share a common goal in the relationship. This is the most powerful effect and benefit partnership has in our life: the ability to help us grow… in a safe, trusting environment. It is true, too, that people do often “grow” apart in partnerships, but again – if both value the relationship for what it brings them, even this can be resolved from an amicable perspective (this situation, in particular, I can personally testify too!)

Now, I’m not suggesting this is easy, especially since our culture seems to promote exactly the opposite.. the ‘magic’ of the adrenaline rush of attraction, etc.. but try applying this to everywhere else… to our careers, for example. Being open to learning everything we can to doing the best we can, accepting criticism in order to perform to the expectations of the job – and either being able to mold the job into something healthy and beneficial for the business, or being able to recognize when you are not suited for the job and helping to fill the position with someone who is.
This sounds stupid at first, I know…
I have received rolled eyes on this one I don’t know HOW many times.. but try it on from this perspective: if it isn’t suited for you, you will either hurt the business by NOT having a positive influence on it, or spend so many hours of this short, valuable life performing in a career that you don’t enjoy – and how does that contribute to your enjoyment of the moment?How about further down the line?
If life ended today: January 1st, 2006 how much of your life would you feel was worthy? We all have things, right? Our children, our achievements, our charity. The commitments we made and worked through, and the gained returns from those efforts…
Consider what percentage of our collective life experience culminate (or contribute to the culmination of) an item on that list ours?

How much of the experience itself, instead of just the achievement, is worthy of the list?

I submit to you that it can, and should, be more. Not so much another item on my list of resolutions, rather, a concept, a perspective I resolve to make an effort to more fully embrace than I do now. Creating a life worth living.. that I consciously choose – not that just ‘happens.’ - Like those who find they have little time to live, and rather than succumbing to their fears, than playing the victim, they embrace their families, or life itself… and no longer does Maya lull them back into the unconscious wasting of these precious moments…

Just… some more obsessive thoughts.. just in time for the new year.