Vapid

I have tried to write several times in the past few months.. but somehow between my brain and the text on the screen it morphs into...
well...
crap.

Solid Crap.
Drivel and Complaint,
Shallow, Self Pitty-ing Observations,
Pure Vapidity.

...and, frankly, its embarrassing.

I have no muse, no craft, no torture... (well, perhaps there's some torture, but not the kind that alights the soul with creativity.)
I hope Creativity hasnt abandoned me altogether...

IF

IF
Your idea of a marriage proposal is to to say "despite these concerns (list concerns) I love you and am therefore willing to risk the uncertainty and burdens of marrying you"
Don't be surprised if they not only turn you down, but likely break it off with you. If they don't, then even more reason for YOU to turn tail and run, because obviously they haven't an ounce of self esteem in their entire body.
More to the point, if YOU feel that "uncertain" about commiting to someone, don't propose in the first place. We all know things aren't "perfect" and life isn't a fairy tale... We even acknowledge that in our vows "for better or for WORSE." But if you are less than excited, certain, and don't want to imagine your life without this person....unless you want to be best friends, raise a family and retire with this person... Then DON'T DO IT! I made this mistake once (he was the eager proposer and I aquieced despite being uncertain.. I CONVINCED myself to do it despite uncertainties and reservations and... Of course I resented all those traits that previously concerned me - and he resented that I resented him - until finally I divorced him.) Take it from me.... I'm not suggesting that everything should be perfect... But if you feel you are settling for what you can get, or do it because of the "circumstances" rather than because its what you REALLY want, its doomed to fail.

Blocked!

I thought I would have 4 months of being an autodidact...
Instead, between the pregnancy brain itself and the terbutaline every 4 hours, I feel more like a drug addict in withdrawal than a scholar on sabbatical. :(

Planet Me

Me. Today. Weighing in at 196 lbs HUUUUGE!

Trust Lost

You would not listen, and could not understand - much less adhere - to the rules.
The absence of trust has relienquished forever the hope of subspace's numb euphoria.

Hard Lessons

One lesson I struggled against in the past is the idea that we must make room for the things we want and value in our lives - if we are to have success with them.
This is as true for relationships as for, say, school or your career. You have to prove you are ready and available and competent to get the job, the acceptance, or the guy (or girl.) But then you must also follow through and learn, compromise, etc in order to KEEP the job, STAY in school, MAINTAIN the relationship.
It took me a looong time (too long) to really understand and apply this. But once it finally sunk in, I took it seriously, and still do.
The best, if perhaps most painful, effect of the change is that when you understand that you must make room for what is important, it becomes obvious how serious OTHERS by whether they make room in THEIR lives... or whether you are just a convient peripheral. Future promises arent enough at that point.
This includes parenting. Making room to be a better parent means moving aside my career, not having a "personal life," whatever... A commitment I was ready to make BEFORE I decided to have more children.

A stupid question

Can one sleeve/half a package of fruit newtons count as lunch... if they are whole grain? :)