A stupid question

Can one sleeve/half a package of fruit newtons count as lunch... if they are whole grain? :)

Thoughts

I've been changing so much in the past few months. Not good change, neccessarily. I don't think I'm a better person now than before or anything like that. In fact, maybe the opposite... or something like it.
I've always heard that depression is like a distorted mirror, but my experience now is differnt than that. Its more like the distortions were how I saw myself, and how I saw the world. Now that I see things - including myself - more clearly, its depressing. I don't think admitting this makes anything better, of course. I have no excuses and no one to blame but my own insecurities.
Knowing this, however, does make a difference. I can't pretend to be all the things I see myself as/desire to be. The relationships that I want to be a part of I cant give myself to in a healthy way right now. The immense pain that accompanies losing them only increases the depression... but pretending to be capable when I'm really not only makes it confusing and dishonest and painful for them and for me. It hurts to let go. It hurts to say "I want to, but I cant be fair... here is what I CAN give, and it probably wont be enough." And when it isnt enough, can I blame them?
I dont want to lose. If I could fix it all myself right now and be everything I feel I can and should be, I would. But if I must lose, I will lose honestly - and not because I tried to be something I cant right now.

I'm sorry I ever did things differently. Even if the picture is ugly, I'd rather see the real thing.

Distractions

I have such a large amount of work piled up... and its late. Its due.
Yet, today I spent 7 hours with a tape measure, notepad, Visio, cardstock, rulers, markers and spray glue. I built a small scale 3-D model of the living and family room on the main floor of the house, complete with vents, outlets and other considerations for decorating.

The nursery is about the only room I feel I've really "finished" since I moved into the new house... so the feeling of needing to get my life settled is probably reflected in the desire to get my house "settled." At least I've unpacked... but wow - I've collected a lot of crap over the past 12 years. High-end, well-made crap... but still - crap. Its all crap, isnt it? Perhaps while I am planning the rooms I will go find my books on simplicity...

...and procrastination. Ugh.

Happy Monday!