Back to CHI

Headed back to Chicago first thing tomorrow morning... and its already midnight. I hope I will be able to sleep - my tummy is all tied up.

4am... just waking to shower and to go. I use the term "waking" losely... as I fight to raise my body to alert state of my mind....
She came to visit last night...

"She" - that harbinger of heartache... "She" - the pernicious pixie, "She" - the Goddess of Regret. Do you hear my lamentation, Lord? Deliver me from this ill-at-ease existence, Defend your servant from this inner enemy which so seeks to destroy me! Why must she cling so deeply in the wee hours, and from whence does your light radiate so as to allow her such strength to blot it out?

Ugh. Its hard to mourn like a prophet when your only trying to save your own skin rather than that of a people. I can only allow *so* much self-pity before I start to turn myself off. :(
Better to be announcing Isaiah's "Here I am!" than the grief of a destroyed people... the latter comes across , even to me, as so melodramatic (despite how it feels inside.)

Ah.. but the Isrealites did know how to mourn, didn't they? They told God just what they thought of him sometimes...

I realize that Job got a bit of a sarcastic retort from the guy/gal/omniecent one upstairs with the whole "Oh, did YOU make the heavens and the animals and the earth?? NO??? Then shut up already! You are the child and I am the parent and you will sit down and trust that I know what I am doin!"
I remember saying that Job was his favorite prophet, and I was so torn about that... what do we really learn there? That God lets Satan play prosecuting attorney for no other reason than a bet? Satan gets bored and God tells him, "sure... go play with their heads, that will be good for some entertainment. Kill off his family, kids.. give him a few sores - but HEY - DON'T KILL HIM!"
But of course they lamented! And now I lament...

Ugh...

Ugh.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! *Sigh*

I have to shower.